I am reblogging this post because oh my gosh, Lavender sounds exactly like me. Except that I am about twice her age. However, I still feel like I’m only around 23 years old because, like Lavender says… C-PTSD.
I didn’t know that I also have ADD or ADHD until recently. I thought my “weirdness” was all about my Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. But looking back over my life, I really should have been diagnosed ADHD when I was in the first grade. I was so excited to be in school, so thrilled to have other children to talk to, that I could not stop talking. At All.
I wanted to be good. I really, really did. But it was simply impossible for me to shut my mouth. The teacher moved my desk all over the room, including up at the front by her desk, in an effort to find a spot where I would not talk. But even when I was sitting by her desk, I turned around and stage-whispered to the kids in the front row. At that point, the poor teacher lost her mind entirely and moved me, desk and all, out into the hallway, shutting the door behind me. I was mortified!! But I really could not help it.
I am sure if that were today, I would have an ADHD label slapped on me before the end of my first week in school. But things were different in 1959.
I have learned some self-control and restraint over the years. But even when I am acting like a “normal person” on the outside, on the inside I feel very socially awkward, more often than not.
Like Lavender, the author of the post that I have reblogged below, I can, and I have, stood on a stage and spoken to large groups of people — around 10,000 was probably my biggest audience — without a qualm. But talking to people one on one — Yikes!
I have also acted in plays. As Lavender explains so well, it does not matter what the audience thinks of her character, because that person isn’t “her”. I once had the lead in a long, dramatic play where I had to totally melt down and have a mental breakdown on stage. It was awesome, because it wasn’t “me!”
I wish I could meet Lavender in person but alas, she lives on the east side of the country and I am in the western high desert. Please read her very funny and informative post, especially if you have any interest in social anxiety, ADD/ADHD, or PTSD.
Lavender explains what it’s like to be me, better than I can. 😁
PS: I rarely open comments on a post that is a reblog. However, because I have shared so much of myself here, I am going to allow comments. Feel free to share your thoughts. I hope you will comment on Lavender’s blog, as well. Thanks!
…The bartender says, “We don’t serve folks with social anxiety here.”
The groups shrugs their shoulders and replies, ‘Well, if that diagnosis doesn’t work, how about depression, PTSD or ADHD? We’ve got a few options for what to call ourselves…’
The bartender shrugs, “One of those ought to count. Come on in.”
You probably thought I was going to go with the ending where they all shrugged their shoulders in relief and walked away because they didn’t really want to be in public anyway, didn’t you? Well, I was trying not to be cliché. After all, I tried to go to a meetup group for folks with social anxiety last night. At the time I thought of that joke, it seemed like the obvious ending was just a mental loophole giving me permission to chicken out. Chickening out at the last minute, even mentally, didn’t seem like the best…
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