I Seek to Feel Content

I am reblogging this post by Alexis Rose, author of the memoir UNTANGLED, because I relate so much to what she says here.

My favorite line in her post is this: “I don’t have to be free from the symptoms of PTSD to understand that I’m enough.” Yes!!

My symptoms of severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder began in 1965, when I was twelve years old. However, PTSD did not become an official psychiatric diagnosis until 1980, and I was not properly diagnosed as having PTSD until 2003, a few weeks before my fiftieth birthday.

Over the years, I have tried every type of treatment that I could find for my nerves/PTSD. Of all the therapies I’ve tried, the twenty-five or so neurofeedback treatments that I have had since February of this year, have helped me the most. Neurofeedback is awesome!

And yet, I still have moments — an hour here, a half hour there — where I don’t feel OK. Moments like last night, when I huddled under the blankets just before falling asleep, and worried about the world blowing up. Last night I felt as though I were a tiny child once again, at the mercy of mad, all-powerful adults who have no mercy.

I hate feeling that way! But after reading the recent news headlines, I think it’s a normal way to feel, especially considering that my husband and I live just a few miles away from a special ops military base, the one where the “mother of all bombs” that was recently dropped in Syria, came from. So yes, this Air Force base is a prime target. And if this base is nuked, our entire area will be decimated.

Considering that I grew up in a home where the parents who were supposed to love and protect me, did the opposite — it’s hard to ever feel secure and safe, and to trust people in authority, even during “normal” times. But now… this is seriously scary!!

Today, I refuse to beat myself up for occasionally “backsliding” into trauma triggers and fear. Like Alexis Rose said, I am enough, even when I have symptoms of PTSD.

I also agree with Alexis, that my goal is contentment. Peace. No Worries. Trusting in the Lord with all of my heart, come what may — this is my favorite way to be.

I was an agnostic for many years, because I could not understand how a good, loving, and all-powerful God could allow so much evil in the world. Today I believe in Christ, because the preponderance of the evidence in my life compels me to believe. I still don’t have answers to all of my questions, but that’s OK, I figure He’s a lot smarter than me.

Right now, whatever happens, I choose to Trust, and to serve Him. When I trust the Lord Jesus, then I am truly content.

In Peace, Truth, and Love –Linda

Untangled

I have conquered my metaphorical mountain. I kept telling myself I can do it. It was hard. It felt emotionally, spiritually and physically excruciating at times, and I did it.  I asked myself, when I conquer this mountain, have a congruent past and the tools to live with PTSD,  is that when I will feel content?

It’s my goal to live life with my eyes open, to let go of the person I am not, to own my story, to have worked through the torture and come out with a gnarly scar, not a soft scab over an oozing past. I met that goal.  Did I feel content?

I learned to reach out and ask for help when I feel so vulnerable that I can’t move left or right. To ask “will you take my hand and hold on to it until I feel steady enough to walk beside…

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