I follow a lot of bloggers that write about having PTSD due to severe trauma and narcissistic abuse. Sometimes, some of these bloggers write posts about having suicidal thoughts and feelings. Those posts scare me. A lot.
Feeling suicidal is one of the symptoms of PTSD, especially complex, or developmental PTSD, which is the type that I have been diagnosed with. So I totally get it. Feeling suicidal from time to time is as “normal” for people like us, as bleeding from an open wound is “normal” for a stabbing victim.
However, it scares me to read posts about suicidal thoughts, because one of my blogger friends — the very first person to follow my blog — actually did it. She wrote several times on her blog about feeling suicidal. I, along with several other bloggers, tried very hard to reach out and help her. We seemed to be making progress with her. Her posts seemed like she was doing better. And then she did it. She wrote a very brief post saying that she was done, that she wasn’t worth saving. And then she killed herself.
This happened in December 2014. A couple of her Facebook friends posted on her blog, in the comment section, that she was dead. It was absolutely heartbreaking. She was a beautiful soul, a brilliant writer, a deeply caring person, and only in her mid twenties.
So now, whenever I see suicidal posts, I feel very scared. I had tried so hard to help Sarah, and I thought she was doing better, when suddenly she was gone.
Another blogger that I had gotten close enough to, that we had exchanged email addresses, probably committed suicide. She suddenly stopped posting and stopped emailing. That was years ago.
I have also known several people in real life who committed suicide.
Because of this, if if you, my readers, have ever posted about having suicidal thoughts — if you did not get a response from very many of your followers, or if any of the responses seemed a bit harsh — it may be because a lot of your readers have been too close to suicide in the past, to be able to respond the way you might like.
I am in my sixties. When I was fifteen, I hung myself, because my life was completely unbearable at the time. Today, I am so thankful that my suicide attempt did not work! But I have been seriously suicidal at other times, too. The most recent was a little over six years ago, when my cousin drowned the day after our last, hour-long phone conversation. She had told me four days before she died, that if she had the strength, she would kill herself. Yet she also assured me that she wasn’t really going to do it.
Four days later my thirty-eight year old cousin, an RN, drove with her boyfriend to Montezuma hot springs, drank herself into oblivion, and drowned in water that would not go above her shoulders if she stood in the deepest part.
Was it suicide? All I know is that my precious cousin is gone. All I know is that I did not save her.
I miss her so much, and I hate that she is gone. And yet, I totally get it. I have been that suicidal, so I really do get it. But I am sold out 100% to Christ, now. I am determined to keep hanging on to the life He gave me, come what may, until the Lord calls me home.
Suicide, like murder, really isn’t necessary, you see. We are all going to stop breathing one day, sooner or later. Guaranteed!
Most people that survive suicide attempts are like me, afterward — happy that they survived. Feeling like you want to die, is just that, a feeling — and like all feelings, sooner or later the feeling will pass.
In the meantime, if you are in danger of killing yourself, PLEASE: Get Help Now. Call 911, or go to an Emergency Room, or call the suicide hotline in your area.
In the United States, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline number is 1-800-273-8255. Staffed by certified crisis response professionals, the lifeline is available 24 hours a day.
Studies have found that most suicide attempts occur when the suicidal person is extremely tired. If you are tempted to go to sleep permanently, try this: Take A Nap First.
Some other things that I have found helpful when my spirits start to go down are: watching a funny movie marathon, fast dancing to loud, upbeat rock music (even by myself — it’s great exercise!), petting a dog or a cat, talking on the phone, or better yet, face to face, with a friend, getting outdoors in the sunshine, going for a long brisk walk (or a mad stomp, depending on my mood, lol), going to church, and getting down on my knees and praying.
I hope you will try at least some of these suggestions, if you ever feel suicidal, instead of just writing about it on your blog or on social media. From what I have seen, posting about having suicidal thoughts does not help you feel any better, but reading those posts can and will hurt people. People like me.
Here is a safe virtual ((HUG)) if you want one. I hope that nothing I said here, hurts anyone’s feelings in any way. That is not at all my intention. ❤
I am not opening up comments on this post, because this is such a painful topic for me. God bless you. Thank you for stopping by.
And please — take care of yourself. Be good to you. You are infinitely precious and You Are Worth Saving.
PS: I took the picture of the sun setting behind an irrigation rig, a few days after my cousin died. I was thinking of her at the time, because she loved the beauty of New Mexico and she was an awesome photographer. I miss you, Lainie. Forever love.
PPS: In June 2011, when I wanted to die after my cousin drowned, I told my husband what I was feeling and he took me to the emergency room. That turned out to be a very good thing. I got the help I needed and today, at age sixty-four, I am the happiest and most peaceful that I have ever been in my life. I am SO GLAD I did not cut my life short, and miss this wonderful time!