I am reblogging this post written by Jason Cushman, known in the blogging world as Opinionated Man, because I used to drink like he did. I drank alcoholically for a period of about two years. Like Jason, I started drinking because of parental rejection.
Jason’s drinking began when his birth mother, who abandoned him on a street corner when he was two, rejected him a second time when he went to Korea as a young adult to try to meet her.
I started drinking on the day my father died. My dad had rejected me when I was an adolescent. For more than twenty years, I waited for him to come back and “un-reject” me. When he died, I had to face the reality that my father’s rejection was permanent…
My dad was diagnosed with schizophrenia when I was twelve. A few years later, his diagnosis was changed to multiple personality disorder, which is known as dissociative identity disorder today.
My father definitely had more than one very different personality living inside him. His “good daddy” personality disappeared completely when I was twelve, and an unloving, rejecting, raging and very abusive personality took control.
Instead of grieving this loss, I kept waiting and waiting for the day when my “good daddy” would come back and reach out to me. But when I was thirty-four years old, I received a phone call telling me that my father had just died… and my heart shattered.
Right after I got that call, I drove to a liquor store and bought a bottle of wine. I drank it straight from the bottle. Later, I went back and bought whiskey, and drank until I passed out.
Within two years of heavy binge drinking, I was in an alcoholic rehab. During my first year in AA, I could not stop drinking even when I wanted to. I would go to Alcoholic Anonymous meetings carrying a coke can full of booze.
But I finally got it. I finally got sober and stayed that way. Today, I haven’t had an alcoholic drink in over 26 years.
***I starting drinking to stop the pain of my parents rejecting me. I stopped drinking when I decided to stop rejecting myself.***
Alcoholics come in all shapes, sizes, and all ages. Most of us who choose to go down that road, do it to numb unbearable pain. When you are hurting that badly, you can be totally oblivious to the fact that you are only making everything worse.
How awesome Jason Cushman/Opinionated Man is, for climbing out of the bottomless bottle at such a young age!!
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There was a time in my life when I was an alcoholic. Generally when I share this information people look at me and my youth and instantly shake their head. How can someone so young have ever had a disease that is always given a face of age, grief, and shame? What they see are the walls I have always surrounded myself with. What they don’t see is the soul inside that screams at those walls.
I entered the state of grief when I was rejected the second time by my birth mother. I count the reunion that did not happen as our “second time” because the first feeling of rejection had to be when she left my ass on a street at the age of two years old. Is there any worse way a person can reject someone? I suppose there is, but for a two year old I…
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