How Narcissistic Abusers Convince Friends and Family that the Victim is to Blame

NARCISSISTIC ABUSE: WHO IS THE REAL VICTIM, written by Lauren and posted on her Lucky Otter’s Haven blog, makes some excellent points. As Lauren and I have both experienced, malignant narc abusers have a diabolical way of discrediting and isolating their victims through character assassination — triangulating and gossiping to friends and family behind the victim’s back.

adult-workplace-bullying

As Lauren also points out, abusers further discredit their victims by making them “go a little crazy” through sneaky gaslighting techniques. The bewilderment of being gaslighted, coupled with the trauma of verbal and/or physical abuse, can cause a victim to develop nervous or quirky behaviors that may seem odd or even crazy to an outside observer.

When friends and relatives notice how anxious, emotional, and “overly sensitive” the victim has become — especially in comparison to the abuser, who deliberately comes across as calm, cool, and unruffled — these outsiders are likely to assume that the victim is the cause of any problems in the relationship.

The most malignant abusers will make themselves seem very caring, while publicly assassinating the character of their scapegoat. A religious abuser will say, for example: “I am so worried about Linda! I pray for her morning, noon, and night. But nothing that I do to try to help her is making any difference. Do you know what Linda has done NOW?” — followed by lies and distorted half truths, all told with the attitude of deep loving concern. (This is my momster.)

As I was reading Lucky Otter’s insightful post, I flashed back to an occasion where I was able to be the proverbial fly on the wall and listen in as my narcissistic boyfriend talked dirt about me behind my back to our friends, setting me up to be the crazy one, before we had even had any real problems in our new relationship!

Here is what happened: sixteen years ago I was going through a divorce. Living alone for the first time in years, I started attending a lot of AA meetings, both to ensure that I did not start drinking to medicate my pain, and to get out of my lonely apartment and be around other people.

I joined a sobriety club that is located in a picturesque setting on a river in Pennsylvania, near where I lived at the time. The clubhouse was an old dance hall that had been purchased by a local AA group. It had a great sound system, a stage, a large wooden dance floor, dart boards and pool tables. Twelve-step meetings were held morning, noon, and night, seven days a week, even on holidays. There was a full commercial kitchen and a long wooden bar in the back where only non-alcoholic drinks and snacks were sold.

The club had bi-monthly dances and frequent social events such as talent contests, holiday parties, picnics by the river, and the occasional potluck dinner. It was a great place for a newly separated person who needed help not to pick up a drink through the ups and downs of an unwanted divorce. (I had been sober ten years at that point).

Another great thing about joining the sobriety club was that I suddenly had a large group of instant “best friends.”

Yeah, right.

Almost immediately, the most charming and popular man in the group latched onto me. He was especially popular because he had a small vacation property on the shore of Delaware that he had inherited, where he regularly took people from the club for free weekend fishing trips. All they had to do in return was buy the food, cook, clean, and wait on him hand and foot, like a king.

“RH” was single at the time because his last girlfriend, whom he had also met at the AA club, had committed suicide the year before. All of his other previous AA girlfriends had gone back out drinking. He had been married once, more than thirty years before, when he was in his twenties. But his wife had cheated on him and left him for her lover. The poor man had terrible luck with women.

RH quickly became the best of my new best friends. He called me every day and we talked for hours. He asked which AA meetings I regularly attended and then started coming to all of my meetings. He always sat beside me, and insisted on taking me out to eat afterward. He loved the fact that I, in turn, insisted on always paying my own way.

Every word out of his mouth during this time was flattering. According to RH, my estranged husband was a fool. He told me I was the woman of his dreams, far better in every way than every woman who had been in his life before me.

He told me all the things that a heartbroken almost-fifty-year-old divorcee desperately wants to hear. And I fell for it hook, line, and sinker.

We were a couple of months into a relationship and RH had not yet started his gaslighting and verbal abuse, when the following thing happened. He was still in the love-bombing phase — to my face. The devaluation and cruel discard was yet to come.

One evening I had to cancel a date at the club with my adoring boyfriend because I was sick. I had the flu, I think. I hated not being able to go to the dance, but there was no way I could go anywhere. As I recall, this was the only time I ever called off a date with him, for any reason.

RH very sweetly told me he understood. He said he would bring me some cough syrup and ginger ale and leave them in a bag on my back porch, so he would not catch my germs. Then he would go to the club without me, because he was expected and did not want to let our friends down. Also, he didn’t want to drive all the way back to his place and spend the evening alone, in front of the TV. I told him I understood and hoped he would have a nice time at the dance.

Because I was so sick, I turned the ringer off on my phone and went to bed. I slept like a rock all night. The next morning I checked my voicemail and found a message from my boyfriend.

His message sounded syrupy sweet and deeply concerned. “Hi, Honey, I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. I’m worried about you. Let me know if there is anything else you need that I can get for you. I hope the cough syrup and the soda I brought over helped. It’s not the same here without you! I miss you! Goodnight, lovely lady. I will call in the morning. Get some rest. Sweet dreams!” (Kiss-kiss sounds).

Then he put the phone in his pocket, forgetting to turn it off first. And for the next several minutes, until the timer on my voicemail finally ended the call, I heard his slightly muffled voice talking dirt about me to our friends! After all these years I don’t remember the exact words he used, but it went something like this:

“I don’t know what is wrong with that woman! Linda started out all sweet and loving, but now she suddenly has better things to do than be with me. She SAYS she is sick, but I don’t believe it, I think that was just an excuse. She was perfectly fine yesterday, and when I took the cough syrup and ginger ale by her place before coming here, she wasn’t even home! I had to leave it on the porch! I don’t know if she is playing games with me, or if she’s a psycho! You know about her time in the funny farm, right?….”

I broke up with RH over that. But then he begged and he cried and he told me a long sob story about how his ex wife was always backing out of plans to be with him, using some made up excuse. But, as he later found out, she was having an affair. She hurt him so badly that he’s had a terrible time trusting women ever since.

Not only that, but his last girlfriend, the one who committed suicide, had invented reasons not to go out with him when she first started getting depressed, and he was terrified of living through a nightmare like that again. RH had sworn off women forever after Molly was found dead in her trailer, until he met me. But I really, truly was the greatest, sweetest, most loving and giving woman he had ever known in his entire life, which is why he had dared to take a chance on getting involved with me. But when I broke our date for the dance, his fears and insecurities had taken over. He begged me to PLEASE be an angel and forgive him and give him another chance to prove how much he really loves me…. (cue the pitiful poor-me face and crocodile tears).

I stupidly gave RH a second chance. I wanted and needed to believe that his love for me was real. But then the subtle gaslighting started, followed by covert abuse, followed by overt verbal abuse, followed by devaluation, followed by a cruel, public discard.

And all of my new best friends took his side and blamed me for breaking the poor man’s heart, so soon after the crushing blow of his previous girlfriend’s suicide. Yet the truth was that I was the one with a shattered heart, while he had a new, younger girlfriend within one week, flaunting her in front of my face at the AA meetings where I was desperately looking for emotional support.

I wrote a song about it at the time:

The Diner

I drive past the diner
I look in and see them
sitting at the table where we used to be…
Alone in the dark night I make my way homeward
feeling like a fool for just needing to see.

Where did our love go?
Tell me, how did this happen?
Nothing makes sense anymore.
My friend says “Come over
I’ll make you forget him.”
My head wants to try
but my heart won’t let go.

Did I ever know you?
You seem like a stranger
aloof and uncaring
unwilling to try.
You and your friends
have joined forces to blame me
I have nothing left now
not even my pride.

As I drive past the diner
I look in and see them
sitting at the table where we used to be…
alone in the dark night I make my way homeward
feeling like a fool for just needing to see.

— —

Thank you for stopping by and God bless.

 

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44 thoughts on “How Narcissistic Abusers Convince Friends and Family that the Victim is to Blame

  1. roberthansen1317 May 19, 2016 / 12:56 pm

    I like the lyrics. I used to know people like that. and people that latched on every word they said instead of believing what they knew the truth to be, since it was staring them in the face.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Lady Quixote/Linda Lee May 19, 2016 / 1:05 pm

      Sad, isn’t it? After the way he treated me, I understood why his last girlfriend had committed suicide. It really seemed like he was consciously trying to push me to do the same thing.

      Liked by 4 people

      • roberthansen1317 May 19, 2016 / 1:08 pm

        and all the ones before her started drinking again. It’s like my dad always said, if someone has a past with alot of exes and the reason for each ex is always the ex’s fault, something isn’t right with the picture

        Liked by 2 people

        • Lady Quixote/Linda Lee May 19, 2016 / 1:26 pm

          I just want to add this: sometimes the “something that isn’t right with the picture” is that the person with a string of exes has an unconscious “repetition compulsion” for getting into abusive or unloving relationships, like I did before I finally found a truly helpful therapist.

          In my case, I was trained — groomed, if you will, beginning in my earliest childhood, by my abusive parents to accept disrespectful, unloving, and even abusive treatment. Also, after being put in a state mental institution at the age of 14 by my parents, most normal men had no interest in me. And I didn’t blame them, really. Who in their right mind wants to get seriously involved with someone who was diagnosed with a serious mental illness and spent two years locked up in an insane asylum? Typically, the only men who were interested in me were users and abusers, undoubtedly because they could easily see that I had zero self-esteem and would therefore put up with… a lot.

          So I agree, something is wrong with someone who has a long string of broken relationships. Sometimes it is because they are an abuser. And sometimes it is because they were trained from birth to be an abuser’s prey. Today I am married to a wonderful loving Christian man. We have been married now for 12 years. But we did not meet until we were both in our fifties, and after we both had a lot of therapy. (He has a history similar to mine.)

          Liked by 4 people

          • Lady Quixote/Linda Lee May 19, 2016 / 1:42 pm

            Thank you for the validation. For most of my life — almost half a century, in fact — I blamed myself for all of my relationship failures. After all, I told myself, I was the common denominator. And like my abusive mother loved to tell me, I really believed that “something about me brought out the worst in people.” I thought there had to be something indefinable about my personality or nature that irritated people and made them want to yell at me, hit me, cheat on me, and ultimately abandon me. What a HUGE revelation it was to learn that this isn’t true at all! Sure, I am human, and like every other human being, I have faults. But having normal human faults does not EVER give anyone the right to abuse you. There are people who are drawn to the weak and broken, so they can toy with them like a cat with a mouse.

            But I am not a mouse any more, by the grace of God!

            Liked by 5 people

  2. potofcallaloo May 19, 2016 / 2:03 pm

    I felt so sad reading this Linda. Im so sorry you had to suffer this. For the first time, I realised Ive had previous relationships with narcissistic abusers. I’ve never really thought about it until now. Thanks for writing this, and hugs x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Diana May 19, 2016 / 5:14 pm

    Loved what you shared and your honesty! I allowed myself to be a victim in the past with narcissists especially with my family and my ex-husband (all “born again Christians”!) and probably even more so with Christians because I didn’t know they could choose to be evil, I thought they didn’t mean to be evil but now I have learned that if a narcissist is a Christian they just use that reality and all that goes with being a Christian in their arsenal of tools. I didn’t know about narcissists till this last year. I had been no contact with my mom and sister for 15 years because of their abuse and games with me and they didn’t last a month (I only lasted 6 mths before I went no contact again) after we reconnected before the triangulation, gaslighting, bullying and games started. Like you I had a “fly on the wall” experience with them because they are not technically savvy so they didn’t realize how I was able to see their exposing of themselves on facebook and it was very eye-opening to have that insight of them as they also did the same things they had done to me 15 years ago with their narcissistic games with me. I also came to learn through their facebook interactions with each other they that they also treat each other like sh*t so I wouldn’t put up with how they treat each other not alone how they treated me. Sadly, I came to realize I was right to leave them. I still can’t believe my own mother and sister are narcissists especially since they go to church regularly and are always talking about Jesus and I know they understand the bible and that each of will give an accounting of our lives and how we treat others! Narcissist or not I don’t understand how you can believe in the bible and Jesus and not be afraid to do what narcissists do do to people because what they do is so mean and like most of the things a narcissist will do are part of the 7 things God hates so how can they not be fearful of consequences? My sister’s husband couldn’t take her anymore and even though he is a music pastor he divorced her and while we were apart she was arrested twice and spent time in jail and she got caught stealing from her church and they could have had her arrested too. Her children now are a mess and my mom’s life is a mess so I don’t understand why they continue in their vile, mean ways but they do. I only wanted to love and bless them but now I know that whether Christian or not, a narcissist can’t be reached. They aren’t safe and they use Christian ways against you like forgiving them and wiping the slate clean when you give them another chance. I follow a Christian pastor’s blog about narcissism whose job it was was to clean up messes from pastors who wrong their congregations like with stealing or having an affair with a member etc. and he says he is shocked at how many narcissists there are in churches and religious organizations! I find it baffling though because like with my mom and sister, I know that I know that they know God and the bible are real so how they don’t fear doing these thing to people I just don’t get??!!! Thanks for sharing it really helps to see I am not the only one! I was feeling the fool for giving my mom and sister another chance and that it took me 6 months this time to finally go no contact again. So heartbreaking…

    Liked by 1 person

    • lynettedavis May 19, 2016 / 11:56 pm

      I signed on to respond to Linda, saw your reply and wanted to pipe in. Narcissists are not Christians. Rather, they have a form of godliness and can (and usually do) fool the very elite. They’re enemies of God (and his children). Also, narcissism is an (evil) spirit that can’t dwell anywhere where the Holy Spirit dwells. From what I’ve learned thus far, I’m convinced that churches have as many narcissists as they do Christians.

      Liked by 3 people

      • katiesdream2004 May 20, 2016 / 8:29 am

        I believe it as well that narcissist s aren’t Christians. The fruit of their lives is so embedded with darkness that it reveals whose really pulling their strings. And because the diabolical actions are so similar from narc to narc ,I believe they have a common source. The same author writes their playbook but they choose it because they are so full of self worship

        Liked by 2 people

    • Diana May 21, 2016 / 3:00 am

      Lynette and Katie, Thanks for sharing with me! I do know that I would not want to face God like if I were my mom or sister or like King Saul etc. after the things they did to innocents and their families, loved ones and people in their Christian circles!!!

      One day when I was talking to God about the narcissists I have known of that have asked the Lord into their hearts, their lives and know Jesus is real and the word of God I asked Him if they get a pass really because at the end of the day for all I know they also will be in Heaven too and He gave me the scripture “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; whatsoever a man sows that will he reap!” and it gave me chills. I just know they have a reckoning with God and no one gets to hurt others on purpose as a way of life and not have severe human and spiritual consequences.

      I went through what you did Lynette with my church and church people and it was its own wound. My ex, who was a horrible narcissist joined (names deleted*) and at that point I had gone to court to force my ex to get counseling for his anger issues before he could come home while I was working on my divorce so afterwards he wouldn’t have any alone time with my daughter without the adult supervision of her choice and (name deleted) would write me, send me books home she wrote on healing your marriage and then would call me to tell me how nice a man my ex was and how sorry he was and how Jesus wanted me to forgive him blah, blah, blah and I couldn’t believe she was so fooled by him.

      I really let her have it one day about clearly not being led by the Holy Spirit with me saying all this stuff when my ex was so abusive and evil. She couldn’t discern the truth about him at all so I knew she wasn’t hearing from God about my marriage but it messed with my head for my fellow Christians to be fooled by him because God would guide them to be fooled by him and He would convict them they were judging me and that they were judging me inaccurately! It made me feel like I was losing my mind for a season!! They just added to my nightmare! My sister and mom’s churches are totally fooled by them and it feels so wrong for the body of Christ to me to be tricked by narcissists and to become tools in their hands to hurt me when I am the victim of my mom and sister or ex-husband. It just feels good to know that there are Christians like you guys that “get it!” Thanks for your input ๐Ÿ™‚ Love your blog Katie, it is very healing to me to read it!!!

      *Per the policy of this blog, real names will not be used except in a laudatory way, and only if the person named is a public figure. Thank you for understanding. ~Linda Lee

      Like

  4. Diana May 19, 2016 / 5:18 pm

    Also, I loved your song and it comforted me because it took me awhile to stop looking at their facebooks still hoping after I deactivated mine if maybe…. ( I felt pathetic and “dirty” looking at their fbs for I don’t know what!) it took counseling for me to see the why is that they are narcissists and I have no hope with them.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Diana May 19, 2016 / 5:27 pm

    I forgot one last thing that yours and Lucky Otter’s article comforted me on is that my sister got my niece and nephew to stop talking to me 15 years ago and this time, when we reconnected, she got them to join in on the bullying, isolating and mocking. It hurt so much to have my precious niece and nephew treat me and their cousin that way. My mom got her sister, my aunt, and her partner who was more like a mother to me than she has ever been to disconnect again this time from me. Each time they were mad at me for holding them accountable or they were jealous so they became abusive, they would punish me by ignoring my daughter, their granddaughter and niece, and my mom’s partner wouldn’t talk to me either. She is sweet but intimidated by my mom so she minds my mom’s rules. I feel robbed of my whole family because these two b*tches want to punish me for not being willing to be their victim. The sad thing too for me is that I want the love of my mom and sister and I want to share life with them and when I get money I want to share that too but I can’t have them in my life because they are so dangerous to me and my daughter. Sorry for three posts but this just is so painful to me and I am grieving so blogs like yours, Lucky Otter and katiesdream2004 have been a godsend to me because I haven’t found a lot of Christians who understand narcissists and that the normal biblical ways don’t work with them and that you have to hold them accountable, go no contact and get therapy to heal. I have PTSD from them……God bless you, Linda!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lady Quixote/Linda Lee May 19, 2016 / 7:04 pm

      Oh, dear Diana… I relate so much to your story. No need to apologize, I thank you for sharing. I went completely off Facebook several years ago because of the very thing you are talking about. I would tell you all about it, but I am in a rush right now.

      By the way, the Christian pastor’s blog you mentioned, is that Dave Orrison’s Grace for my Heart blog? That is my favorite blog. Lucky Otter’s and Katie’s Dream are close seconds.

      You are not alone. We are not alone. I am writing a book about my story, to let more people know they aren’t alone. Please pray for me, writing about this is HARD.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Diana May 21, 2016 / 3:18 am

        Yes, Linda, it is Dave Orrisonโ€™s Grace for my Heart blog!! I love him and it was so validating to hear about narcissists from a pastor, a Christian professional. I love his blog so much and he helped me save my sanity LOL I did and will continue to pray over your book and I think it will be a HUGE blessing to many sufferers of narcissist abuse. I will be one of the first in line to buy your book : ) As you said, “We are not alone.” I can’t say it enough how much it meant to me to find Christians speaking out about this reality. I knew I was not wrong to think that dealing with my narcissists would be done successfully if I just used biblical ways in interacting with them. They just use it against you and your Christian ways become tools in their hands to hurt you even more. Jesus showed tough actions against people pulling crap many times so I don’t know why so many Christians cannot grasp that when you are dealing with an evil person you can’t deal with them like you would a normal person. When I read your bio, Linda, I can’t believe the cruel things your mom did to you, or Katie’s mom or Lauren’s mom. Reading all of your blogs helped me too because I felt like my abusive childhood was my shameful, dirty little secret and it feels so healing because you share your personal experiences and ones like me that “google” for the first time about narcissistic abuse find your blogs and realize we aren’t alone, we aren’t “too sensitive” or “crazy” and it is comforting. God Bless!!!

        Liked by 2 people

        • Lady Quixote/Linda Lee May 21, 2016 / 12:44 pm

          Your words resonate with me on many levels, Diana. I wish I had the time and mental clarity right now to reply in-depth, but I am busy packing for a 1,200+ mile (round-trip) drive to my husband’s nephew’s wedding. We are leaving tomorrow. My husband is a chaplain and he will be officiating at the wedding, which will be Wednesday evening. I am looking forward to it but oh my goodness I have so much to do! We will be gone nearly a week, planning to drive back right before Memorial weekend. Long car rides, especially through heavy traffic, makes my anxiety go way up. My husband’s driving makes me even more nervous since his bad bike crash 2 years ago, that nearly cost him a leg. He hasn’t seemed quite as sharp cognitively since then, I am sad to say. So I will be doing most of the driving — if he will let me. Praying for peace and protection!

          Liked by 1 person

          • Diana May 21, 2016 / 9:28 pm

            Praying for protection, peace and blessings for your whole trip and experience for you and your family. God bless and Have.A.Blast. LOL ๐Ÿ˜‰

            Liked by 1 person

        • Lady Quixote/Linda Lee May 21, 2016 / 1:02 pm

          By the way, Diana, I haven’t approved your terrific comment to Lynette and Katie yet because I want to edit out the names you mentioned first, and the Kindle Fire tablet I am using right now does not seem to allow me to edit comments. So when I get a chance, I will get on my laptop and remove the names.

          I hope you don’t mind. I understand you may be wanting to warn people about a particular ministry or person, and there is nothing wrong with warning people about danger! However, since I have no way of verifying any of the back story, my policy is not to use real names on my blog, UNLESS it is to say good things about the person, such as about Pastor Dave Orrison. I am writing under a pen name myself — Linda Lee is not my “real” name — and I am also changing all of the names in my memoirs, because I don’t want to become a gossip-mongerer. God knows who my abusers are and they know who they are. I have no need to publicly embarrass anyone, nor do I wish to open myself up to legal action, which some of my former abusers would probably love to do, to harass me even further.

          So my policy is that when it comes to things posted on my blog, as well as in writing my memoir, the only real names I use are those people of whom I only have positive things to say. The names of all other person’s will be changed. I hope you understand.

          Liked by 1 person

          • ddawn26@comcast.net May 21, 2016 / 9:37 pm

            LOL Linda (laughed so hard when I read this because ooops!) I am not in the blog world and I totally forgot about the “publicness” of blogs and of course you would want to keep that private. You guys are so real and down-to-earth I forgot about it. Just know if in the future I forget again feel free to edit away it would never bother me.

            Liked by 1 person

          • ddawn26@comcast.net May 22, 2016 / 11:29 am

            Praying you have a special FUN time with your husband on your adventure!

            Liked by 1 person

          • Lady Quixote/Linda Lee May 22, 2016 / 6:13 pm

            Thank you. We were supposed to be on the road hours ago, but our car died on the way home from church. So now my husband and the car are at the Wal-Mart car center. Whatever is meant to be, God’s will be done.

            Like

          • ddawn26@comcast.net May 22, 2016 / 8:55 pm

            I just agreed with you in prayer too that God’s will be done and that He open and shut doors according to His will for you guys on this trip!

            Liked by 1 person

          • Lady Quixote/Linda Lee May 22, 2016 / 9:06 pm

            I appreciate that so much. My husband got back from the mechanics a little while ago. He says they put in a new battery and made some adjustments and now the car is fine. But it is late here, so we will leave in the morning. I am doing a little blog reading and then going to bed. Good night! ๐Ÿ™‚

            Like

          • ddawn26@comcast.net May 22, 2016 / 9:15 pm

            Goodnight ๐Ÿ™‚

            Liked by 1 person

  6. lynettedavis May 20, 2016 / 12:06 am

    You state something that’s crucial here: They want to punish you for not being willing to be their victim–narcissism in full effect!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Diana May 21, 2016 / 3:06 am

      Amen, Lynette, amen!!!

      Liked by 2 people

  7. lynettedavis May 20, 2016 / 12:16 am

    Linda, This post reminds me of my ex, who just months after we got married started his campaign to discredit me at church. Mind you, he never had any complaints about me at home. Imagine my surprise when I learned from a church member that we were having marital problems. That was the first I’ve heard of our marital “problems.” It got to the point that people at church were shunning me because I was the cause of our “marital” problems. And that was the beginning of my nightmare marriage.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Lady Quixote/Linda Lee May 20, 2016 / 7:21 am

      What you went through in your marriage was especially horrible, because it involved your church family. Losing the support of my AA friends was devastating, but being shunned by your brothers and sisters in Christ takes the evil to a whole different level. My heart goes out to you.

      Liked by 2 people

      • lynettedavis May 20, 2016 / 9:52 am

        As it turned out, the people at church were no different than any other social group. They couldn’t see through the facade either.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. katiesdream2004 May 20, 2016 / 8:33 am

    Thank you for writing this it is helpful to recognise the patterns in narcissist exploitation and abuse. It’s true long before they break down your mind they’ve prepared those in their sphere of influence to not believe or trust their victim

    Liked by 1 person

  9. luckyotter May 21, 2016 / 10:10 pm

    Sorry about the late reply! (I *still* don’t get notifications about your blogs-I don’t know why or how to fix it). Anyway, this was great. What a monster your ex bf was–and an idiot too, leaving the phone on so you could hear him trash talking you to your friends. And then twisting around facts — saying YOU made him leave the ginger ale on your back porch! They do that a lot too–take a grain of truth and twist it all around into a lie to make you look bad.
    You have to be so careful with 12 step programs–they are full of narcissists, and he was definitely 13 stepping you!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Lady Quixote/Linda Lee May 22, 2016 / 1:51 am

      13 stepping, that is exactly right! Early in our relationship he freaked out one day when he heard me tell someone that I had been sober for 10 years. He waited until we were alone and then he started yelling that he thought I was a newcomer. I said no, that I was new to the club, but I had been going to AA meetings for over 11 years and I hadn’t had a drink in ten years.

      Then he said “But I only date newcomers!” Whew, man, I should have run the other way right then!

      Liked by 2 people

  10. bzirkone May 29, 2016 / 11:07 am

    I’m fascinated with your story. We share many childhood traumas. I envy you in that you are able to label and address the inherent disorders from that kind of past. My family doesn’t label our mental health issues. We do work-arounds…that is, we pretend nothing is, and ever was, wrong. Perfection is the name of our game, “…nothing to see here…we’re all good…” I’m glad you read my blog and commented and I’m excited that I found you and your story. -bzirk (literally)

    Liked by 2 people

    • Lady Quixote/Linda Lee May 29, 2016 / 12:55 pm

      I LOVE the way you write!! I just found your blog this morning, as I was lying in bed browsing the WordPress world on my Kindle Fire tablet and trying to decide if I was ever getting up today, after our long and harrowing trip out of state. Then our little rescue poodle informed me that yes, I was getting up. Which is one of the many reasons why we say that Scrappy rescued us more than we rescued him. ๐Ÿ™‚ โค

      I am so sorry that you can relate to any part of my "crazy" story. (Your "bzirk" is so clever!) As for knowing or understanding the "labels," that has only happened for me in the past five years. I was in my late fifties when, thanks to the internet and the blogging world in particular, I began to learn about these things. It's been quite a journey.

      I am so glad you are here. Welcome!!

      Liked by 2 people

  11. bzirkone May 29, 2016 / 11:27 am

    Also, Don Quixote was a childhood hero of mine.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lady Quixote/Linda Lee May 29, 2016 / 12:59 pm

      Me, too. I had the original Lady Quixote (dot) com blog five years ago. When it came time to renew it, at a cost of something like $26, I thought it was a waste of money and foolishly let it go. Last time I checked, someone had that domain name listed for sale for several thousand dollars. Sigh.

      Liked by 2 people

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