This post by the blogger Sleeping Tiger is one of the best I’ve read on the effects of trauma. She begins with the realization: “I’m never truly relaxed”.
Bingo! That’s me in a nutshell. Never Truly Relaxed. Could THIS be the reason why I tire so easily that 90% of my to-do list never gets done? Hyper vigilance is exhausting.
One of the many “simple” things that I find hard to do is talking on the telephone. I get so anxious, afraid that I am going to say something stupid, that I tend to babble. I will start to say something to make a point, then think that I need to bring in some back story to explain what I am saying, and while I’m in the middle of the back story I forget what my original story and point were about, and then while I’m trying to figure that out, I think of something else and go off on another tangent… AUGH!!
I had a recent phone conversation with a fellow blogger who called because she was having a rough day. I wanted so much to help her feel better that I felt an additional self-imposed pressure to say exactly the right thing — only don’t talk too much, allow her to vent and get out what she needs to say, but don’t say too little, she needs to hear an appropriate amount of feedback so she knows she is being heard…. YIKES!!!
I suspect that by the end of our conversation my friend did feel better, if only from realizing how much better she is at talking than I am. 😉
It is exhausting, never being able to truly relax. I think the closest I ever come to feeling really relaxed is when I’m in a service at my favorite church. However, when the minister tells us to shake hands with the people around us… OMG. Plus I have this embarrassing habit of crying through much of the service. Why I do that, I don’t know. Last Sunday I forgot to wear waterproof mascara. It wasn’t pretty.
Without further ado/babbling, here is Sleeping Tiger’s excellent post: What is Trauma?
More precisely… What is behind the effects of trauma?
I was just making my morning smoothie and as usual I was doing a lot of thinking. The thought, “I’m never truly relaxed” sort of cruised through my mind and then without really being aware of it, the question breezed though, “Why is that?”
My answer was general as in, “Because trauma survivors…” because that’s what I am. And I for one am in a constant state of hyper-vigilance. I think this is where many other symptoms branch out from.
For example, agoraphobia. Why do I feel afraid to go out on many days, even just to take a walk by myself?
Why am I afraid to get close to anyone, whether it be as a platonic relationship or a prospective romantic one?
Why am I afraid to open up, speak up, take care of me, stick up for me?
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